Most people treat their hair like a chore, but for about three years, I treated mine like a high-stakes chemistry project. I failed. Miserably. I spent way too much money at places like Sephora and specialty salons, thinking that if a bottle cost $45, it must contain some kind of liquid gold that would fix my flat, vaguely oily hair. It didn’t. Most of it is just scented soap in a fancy bottle.
The 14-month experiment nobody asked for
Between January 2022 and March 2023, I decided to actually track what I was doing. I’m not a scientist, but I’m a guy who likes spreadsheets. I tested 11 different sets of shampoo and conditioner. I tracked how many days I could go between washes before my scalp felt like a slice of New York pizza, and I even noted the ‘frizz factor’ on a scale of 1 to 10. I spent a total of $412.80 on hair products in one year. That is embarrassing to type out, but it’s the truth.
What I found was that the price had almost zero correlation with how my hair actually looked. I tried the Kevin Murphy Hydrate-Me line ($70 for the set) and my hair felt like a bundle of dry hay that had been left out in a thunderstorm. Then I tried a $12 bottle of Monday Haircare from the grocery store and it was… fine? Not great, but fine. The data showed that the ‘best’ performance—meaning hair that stayed clean for 48 hours and didn’t look like a bird’s nest—came from products in the $20 to $30 range. Anything more than that is just paying for the brand’s Instagram ad budget.
Spending $50 on a bottle of shampoo is like buying a designer hammer. It still does the same thing as the one from the hardware store, you just feel more refined while you’re hitting your thumb.
The day my scalp decided to quit
I have to tell you about the Chicago incident. It was February 2018, and I was staying in Wicker Park. It was that kind of cold where your nose hairs freeze instantly. I walked into an Aesop store because I wanted to feel like the kind of person who uses Aesop. I bought the Classic Shampoo for $49. I thought I was treating myself. Two days later, my scalp was flaking so badly I thought I had developed a legitimate skin condition. I was wearing a black sweater at a dinner party and I looked like I’d been caught in a localized blizzard. It was humiliating. I realized then that ‘luxury’ ingredients are often just intense essential oils that some people—like me—absolutely cannot handle. I threw the bottle away. Total waste.
The “Sulfate-Free” lie we all bought into
I’m going to say something that might get me blocked by every beauty influencer on TikTok. I think the sulfate-free movement is mostly a scam. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently: it’s about the tension between clean and stripped, and most sulfate-free shampoos just don’t clean well enough for regular people. If you have fine hair like I do, you need a little bit of that detergent power. I spent six months using nothing but ‘clean’ sulfate-free stuff from brands like Living Proof and Briogeo. My hair never felt clean. It felt heavy. It felt like it had a film on it. I might be wrong about this for people with thick, curly hair, but for the rest of us? Give me the sulfates. I know people will disagree, but my scalp has never been healthier since I stopped caring about ‘clean’ beauty labels.
I also have a genuinely irrational hatred for Function of Beauty. I refuse to recommend them even though everyone seems to love the customization aspect. I tried it once, and the ‘custom’ scent smelled like a chemical factory trying to imitate a strawberry. Plus, the packaging looks like a yogurt container. I don’t want my shower to look like a dairy aisle. It’s a gimmick for people who like stickers. There, I said it.
What actually works (The short version)
If you want my honest, unpolished opinion on the best shampoo conditioner combo, here is what actually survived my testing:
- Redken All Soft: This is the gold standard. It’s about $24 a bottle. It makes your hair feel like actual hair, not plastic.
- Pureology Hydrate: It’s expensive, but it’s concentrated. A bottle lasts me four months. It smells like menthol and eucalyptus, which is nice if you have a cold.
- L’Oréal EverPure: The only drugstore stuff I’ll touch. It’s $9 and it’s better than most $30 salon brands.
I used to think I needed a different product for every season. I was completely wrong. You just need one thing that doesn’t irritate your skin and actually removes the oil. The conditioner should feel like it’s doing something, but it shouldn’t feel like trying to spread cold butter on a piece of wet tissue paper. If it’s too thick, it’s just clogging your pores.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I’m just a guy who works a 9-to-5 and got tired of being lied to by marketing copy. I don’t have a 10-step routine anymore. I have a bottle that works and a scalp that doesn’t itch. I wonder sometimes if we’ve all just been conditioned (pun intended, sorry) to think that more steps and more money equals more beauty. I don’t think it does. I think we’re all just overcomplicating soap.
Does anyone else feel like their hair was actually better when they were ten years old and used Suave 2-in-1? I honestly don’t know the answer.
Buy the Redken. Skip the $50 stuff. It’s just soap.